Angelica
Jeannette Wyndels, guest contributor, shares her poignant thoughts on grief and faith when her daughter, Angelica, passed away.
It was still during Covid, those unprecedented years of global distress and uncertainty. Angie came home from work, and we had dinner together, as usual. After watching the news at 6, she went downstairs to her suite. Around 11 pm she came back upstairs, gasping for breath.
I called 911 but in the meantime, she collapsed and I was unable to revive her. The paramedics arrived, but they, too, could not bring her back. It was January 13 th , 2022.
While the paramedics worked, I cried, I prayed and I begged for Angie’s life to return.Desperately, I called my church family for prayer, hoping for a miracle. It did not come, at least in the way I hoped. Now, I faced the painful task of breaking the news to family and friends. In that place of shock and sorrow, we groped for meaning, floundering through the dark tunnel of death that defied understanding. For me, it would define days and nights of wailing deeply, often on my knees. My pleas were loud and desperate. “I am so sorry Angie”. “I am so sorry God” I cried out “I love you so much Angie, I am so sorry”
On and on it went. I was not guilty, and yet remorse filled my soul. I was angry that she was taken. Taken, so young and so beautiful, so alive. She was the last person to deserve this. The sorrow was even deeper. I was sorry that she had such a hard life, and yet never complained. I was sorry that I failed her in so many ways. I missed the very epitome of love that Angie exemplified. I mourned for all the dreams that died with her that day. This gentle person who gave tirelessly, especially to me, would no longer be in our lives the way we expected.
How do we grieve? Grief is a natural, earthly response. We need to grieve. Somehow, we need to reconcile this painful transition from our earthly existence, to our, often sudden, non-existence. It is said “Sorrow comes for a night but joy comes in the morning” Could it also be in the mourning?
With raw emotions, and many practical things to do, it is easy to forget the bigger picture. But looking at the bigger picture is comforting, and essential. A deep and significant revelation came quickly after Angie ascended to heaven. Yes, she ascended. I know, because she had asked Jesus into her heart years before. She was a believer, and this assurance is part of the package, so-to-speak. As a believer, there was a place already set up for her in heaven.
God, in His mercy, through a dear friend, brought clarity. It was through a vision. “I saw Angie in heaven, singing with the angels”. These words provided the deep assurance we longed for. It would carry us through the ongoing darkness. It was not long after that, as well, that I saw Angie in heaven, standing with Jesus. She was dressed in a beautiful wedding gown and headdress, looking happier and more beautiful than ever. I saw Jesus gently lead her into a heavenly dance.
Here on earth, friends surrounded us with love and comfort. Endless gifts of food, flowersand offers of help. “Anything” they would say, “Anything at all you need, please let me know. ”Thoughtful cards poured in daily.
If there were a loud cymbal in the orchestra, I would hear it, and I did. It clanged deep in my heart and rose in wave upon wave within me. Over and over, it spoke the word “love”. I repented for my lack of awareness of its call. Its depth resounded throughout my being. Just “love”. It was as if Angie was sending a message. Angie, who knew love was now with Love Himself. Were they working together to bring this misaligned treasure to light?
Dear ones, love the people you are with. Show them your love any way you can. Don’t take them for granted. This moment is all you have. It could be your last opportunity. A life can be taken away suddenly, and all that is left is memories.These memories are precious in themselves, but they are still only memories.
I meet Angie in my dreams and in my prayers. I place her photo, the string of pearls and other pieces of jewelry in a strategic place. A near-empty bottle of perfume completes the collage, and it is beautiful.
Angelica Snowflake
Flower of the Sky
A Love Note from Heaven
For a Christmas Lullaby
That summer I had fallen in love with a certain wildflower. It would appear in many places mostly along the side of the road where we lived. I called it Angelica - likely not its proper name. I placed them between the pages of books and bibles. It was in Autumn 1975 when I wrote the poem. These words encapsulated my expression of wonder and awe for this precious gift. —Jeannette Wyndels