“I’m Not the Only One”
Rachel Hyman, guest contributor, shares her thoughts on the divorce that shattered her family as a pastor’s wife.
“You say I'm crazy. ‘Cause you don't think I know what you've done. But when you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one…”
I remember when this song first came out in 2014. I was a happy newlywed and touring musician, sitting in a hip vegan burger restaurant in Los Angeles. On the weekends I would tour and raise money for my music album, and during the week I was in the studio recording it. Life felt exciting, full of hope, fun, purpose….
When I first heard this song, “I’m Not the Only One,” I remember thinking it was so beautifully written. The tempo, the melody, the emotion in it, Sam Smith’s incredible crying vocals- everything about it felt so well done and honest. In the song, the betrayed person finds the courage to confront their lover and the discernment to realize she isn’t the only one, even though she had been led to believe otherwise.
I loved the song so much that it almost surprised me that I couldn’t relate to it. Have you ever felt that way before? When a piece of art resonates with you so deeply that you’re surprised the story has nothing to do with your own life?
At the time, it just felt like I was simply watching someone else’s story unfold from a distance.
At the time, I was married to the love of my life- a pastor. I believed in the life we were building together and in the future I thought we were walking into.
“That will never be me,” I remember thinking. “Thank God.” But wow….what a powerful song.
Today it unexpectedly appeared in my YouTube feed again.
As I listened, tears streamed down my face. And I realized that this song- a reality that had been true for so many others- had so shockingly become my reality too.
It is truly amazing how, overnight, your life can change.
A decade after hearing that song in that L.A restaurant in California sun, I was still a dutiful pastor’s wife, loving ministry, music, my kids, our churches….And then overnight, a shattered mother of a baby and toddler, bearing the shock and incredible humiliation of being that pastor’s family who suddenly had to step away.
The pain of being sent away into isolation after pouring your heart and life out to your churches, ministering for over a decade, and suddenly becoming an embarrassment felt literally other-worldly. I felt like I was living in somebody else’s world.
“This seriously cannot be my life,” I remember thinking.
What made it even more surreal was that we had actually been invited to pastor this church to help bring stability and healing after several years of moral issues in leadership. We were supposed to be the family that helped the church through its healing process. We were supposed to be the healers. The helpers. The peace-keepers.
And then one morning I woke up and everything had changed.
Not only had I lost my identity as a pastor’s wife- a role I had lived for twelve years, serving in more than fifteen churches across four states- but I was suddenly being faced with a shocking insistence on divorce, with almost no explanation.
I felt swept into a whirlwind of utter disbelief and grief only other pastor’s wives who have experienced something similar could understand.
Who will I become as a result of all of this?
I’m going to be a single mother now? Of two small children? How could something like this happen so fast?
And perhaps the question that hurt the most…
Who will my children become as a result of all of this?
“You say I'm crazy, ‘Cause you don't think I know what you've done.”
These lyrics, a decade later, definitely ring different…
I appreciate this song more deeply now- not just because I value the song’s authenticity and courage, but because now, I understand its pain.
Art is a strange thing.
Sometimes you’re only admiring it from a distance…..and sometimes, one day, you realize you’ve stepped into the painting.
Lately, I’ve been finding myself hoping for a new canvas and a fresh paintbrush……because I need to step out of this painting and into a new reality.
Maybe the next painting will look more like this……
“You say I’m crazy, ‘Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done. But the flowers you’re hiding behind your back will finally be meant for just one.”
Note: This article first appeared on the author’s Facebook page and she has granted permission to have it posted on this blog.